Reality T.V. shows are only for people who lack all other skills

Hello, it's been a while.

Lately, many of my late nights have consisted of trashy-reality T.V. re-runs. My mind feels numb after watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Bridezillas, Basketball Wives, Jersey Shore and WipeOut. Yet, I feel as though I laughed a lot while watching.

And then it hits me... the reason why I laugh and enjoy these shows is because the people on these shows are completely and utterly without any talent. They may not even get a minimum wage job with their personalities without reality television.  

For instance, take "The Situation" : He makes more than the silver fox, Anderson Cooper. But he doesn't cover hurricanes, wars or anything of substance. Instead, he lies to his roommates, gets his head smashed in Italy and continues to raise his shirt to show his abs. In real life, he could've been a former Abercrobie & Fitch model, but at his old age of 29/30 and over-tanned, wrinkled face he'd have to move on to CVS cashier by now.

Another prime example: Kim Kardashian. She is all booty - no brains. Her talent is pouting, low-cut dresses and ass-hugging sillouttes. Oh, and something about a sex tape...

Point is here: none of these people would've been famous without realtiy television. And it's really making me think I need to rethink my own life plan. I should consider Jersey as more than oil tanks and dirty smells. Money comes in all shapes and sizes and loss of pride.

How to be successful: according to current world leaders

It's July 2011 and Earth may have never been in a better place.

In the U.S., the  government is reaching a debt ceiling, uneducated politicians continue to dispute global warming, and gay marriage has still only made headway in less than ten states. Around the world, China practically owns the U.S., the Middle East is in turmoil with riots and unwanted foreign invasions, people have forgotten about Africa for the time being (Darfur anyone?), Greece is in worse financial shape than the U.S. and England recently had to close down an 168-year-old newspaper because its "journalists" were hacking into people's private e-mails and voice mails.

Long story short - it's a solid time to be alive on Earth. Oh, and did I forget to mention every one's constant predictions about the end of the world? If it isn't in 2012, it has to be some other random date based on prophecy, asteroids, aliens, etc. Fabulous. Anyhow, while the current world leaders now are doing an amazing job of not completely eradicating human life, you need to look forward and learn from their leadership skills for the day when you will take over as a global leader yourself.

To help you in your growth as a worldwide leader, I've composed a short "how to be successful" guide. Study this and I guarantee success in no time.  
 
1. Remember, no one's happiness is as important as your own. Greed is good. Ponzi schemes, insider trading and Internet scams are all part of a healthy economy and your own healthy bank account.

2. Privacy is highly overrated. If you need to go above and beyond to present the public with the most intimate details of a victim's life - you do so. You may go down in flames (Rupert Murdoch), but at least you'll always go down in the history books.

3. Learn Chinese. Dear god, learn Chinese. In fact, there isn't a god - just a Buddha.

4. We will never run out of oil. So drill, baby, drill.

5. Global warming may or may not be a farce. But the people with the most power think it isn't true, so you might as well too.

6. Having an affair when in office is best when you either are known as a man-whore (Arnold), play a really smooth instrument (Clinton), or have the type of last name that makes it OK to be sending pictures of your Weiner to girls over Twitter.

7. Budgets don't really exist. You can spend more than what you have. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? What's a financial crisis anyhow?

8. Fun fact: If you're a real Christian, you must know that being gay is curable. Yes, apparently now it is a disease. Wash those hands, kids.

9. If your only object in life is to be famous and rich, forget politics and just get naked on MTV and drink Jager Bombs like water. The sluttiest men/women will find you irresistible. What more could a guy/girl ask for?

10. However, if you want to be famous, rich and influential just start a religious cult with a t.v. show and radio station. Do not feel guilt when people give you all of their life savings. It's not your fault that your were blessed with this miraculous gift (and an eight-ball in the shape of a pink Jesus - thanks Urban Outfitters).

Radcliffe cries, depression rates soar across globe

Ever since the world premiere of the last Harry Potter movie this morning, Daniel Radcliffe has said he has not been able to stop crying. In addition, psychiatrists across the globe have seen an influx of patients requesting first time visits.

"People don't know how to deal with the end of something this serious," Roger Michaels, M.D. said. "Harry Potter defined so many lives in such a real, tangible way." Between Harry's auspicious luck in many circumstances (truthfully, even J.K. Rowling admits the kid should've died 812 times before the final movie) and the mysterious creatures that we cannot seem to find on Earth, people were able to incorporate Harry's life into their own real life problems.

Many fans at the premiere in London who were not from the area said they were considering moving to England to just be around the accents. One fifteen-year-old girl said, "Whenever I read the books, I imagine Harry having the sexiest voice. Daniel is able to replicate that voice exactly in the movies. When I'm done watching this movie for the fifteenth time, the only thing that may be able to sooth me is another true Brit accent."

Lucky for her and Harry Potter lovers around the world, a real Harry (Prince Harry) is single and ready to mingle. Added bonus: He doesn't have an immortal wizard trying to kill him. Perk up pups.

Dear Eritas...

Dear Eritas, I really want to meet a nice boy. My friend met her current boyfriend on OK Cupid and I was wondering what's the best way to create a profile? --- Lonely Girl in New York

Dear Lonely,
I would be happy to help you create a profile. First impressions are what online dating is all about. So make sure your picture is hot - even if it's you 20 pounds ago. Also, make sure the personal questions really show your inner self (Please see the below).


MY SELF SUMMARY
I would describe myself as a really beautiful person. I am voluptuous and often referred to as a young white Tyra Banks. People are surprised when they find out how down to Earth I am. I'm really not into myself at all and like dedicating my time to helping other people - sometimes I volunteer at the local mall and tell someone if clothes really look horrible on them in the dressing room. I'm looking for someone who can appreciate my unique personality and overtly beautiful physique.

WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE
I am trying to be a full time model. But most photographers just end up flirting with me and get mad when I don't flirt back, so my pictures haven't been great thus far. In the mean time, I've been working part-time at a local coffee shop. I make a mean hot cocoa.

I'M REALLY GOOD AT
Shopping, modeling and being a really nice person.

THE FIRST THINGS PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME
My eyes - I've been told they look like the sea.

FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, SHOWS, MUSIC AND FOOD
I don't read that often, but I love scary movies where I may jump up into your arms! J/KKK
For musci, I love almost anything on the radio. I think it's hot when a guy can play piano or the guitar - then you can write a song about how perfect you think I am. ;-)
Also, I love food - like all food. Luckily, I have the best metabolism ever.

THE SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT
1. Love Spell body spray from Victoria's Secret
2. My make-up
3. Dance Clubs
4. Apple Martini's
5. WE's wedding weekend marathons
6. my red heels

ON A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT, I AM

out somewhere cool

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I'M WILLING TO ADMIT
Sometimes, I fear people think I'm really superficial

I'M LOOKING FOR
A good guy who can handle a woman like me.

YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF
you think I'm pretty and want to have a good time.

How my life would be different if I were a teen mom...

It's always interesting to think how my life could be different if I made one choice over another. Generally these decisions are related to my choice to be a profitable English and journalism double-major, but some Tuesday nights I wonder what would've happened if I was a teen parent.

Watching the original teen moms on MTV reminds me of how different my life could be. And it kind of scares me, but in a lot of ways their lives are better than mine. For instance, most of the girls cannot attract a guy for the life of them. I don't even have baby arm candy and I still scare men away. Some of them still even get dates or hold down relatively attractive boyfriends from time to time.

And, on tonight's season premiere Farrah gets plastic surgery (with what I'm assuming is MTV money). I am currently struggling living paycheck to paycheck without body enhancement. Lesson learned: if I would've had a child at 16, I could be modeling and get new boobs.

On top of this, Maci has one hot baby daddy who is apparently jealous over her current boyfriend because he has the nerve to ask Maci if Kyle (current bf) is "slow." I don't think two boys have ever fought over me at the same time, even if one is thought to be, er, um slightly dumber.

So end result: I'm not sure what the message MTV is really trying to advocate with Teen Mom, but right now as I'm tired from my ten hour day at work, dreading the alarm clark blaring in approximately six hours, and really wishing I could have a boob job right about now... having a baby at 16 does have its perks. Coulda, shoulda, woulda.

Clearly, the Lack of History is to blame for the Economic Downturn

In an interesting twist, many experts are now claiming it is the lack of United States history, which has brought our nation to her knees. Referencing  a June 14th, 2011 New York Times article, http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/15/education/15history.html?_r=2&emc=eta1 historians nationally are claiming this is why our economy is in, "not to be crude, but the 'sh**ter,'" said John Smith, a museum curator.

Museum workers and history fanatics alike are worried that U.S. schools simply do not put enough emphasis on the importance of our country's historic events. Flag day, Smith insists, is not enough. Historians say they are appalled by the news. Clearly, they agree, it is the U.S.'s lack of history education that is causing it to lose ranking among the world powers.

In an overwhelming majority, 9 out of every 10 history lovers polled argued the economy would improve with more focus on history in our public school systems. Our readers agreed with this statement as long as the greatest amount of time was spent on educating students on the most recent 60 years of history (particularly the history that involves the US meddling in foreign affairs).

"If only high school students understood why the country continues to throw itself into every other nation's business, the dollar value would raise dramatically," said U.S. history major Penelope Scott at a local New York Community School.

Obviously, it is not the lack of science or mathematics in our country's schools that is contributing to the off-shoring of U.S. jobs. "It is history and history alone that can save this nation," said Smith.

BREAKING UPDATE: 95% of New Homeless are Recent College Graduates

STARTLING NEW TREND

In a recent study it was found 95% of the newly homeless are recent college graduates of elite American schools. The higher the school tuition cost, often nearing or over $50,000, the higher chance the graduate would become homeless.
Gregory Smith recently graduated from a top tier school, comparable to an Ivy League school in standings and cost. "You know, when I really think about it, it was worth the four-year party," Greg said. His lime-green polo shirt was now faded and stained, but he always tried to keep the collar popped when preaching the frat-boy lifestyle to the hipsters on the L-train. "It's my calling. I feel this is my place," he said.

HAPPY TO BE HOMELESS?
And while he envisioned something more like the lifestyle his "yuppy" parents once had, he says the sacrifice is worth it now.
"I mean I probably should've studied something useful--like engineering or math. But politics was a lot easier to fit in with the party planning."
One day Gregory hopes to run for office in the New York senate on  a "rags to riches" ticket. However, so far the only income he is taking in these days is from the money people give him to stop talking.

GOVERNMENT UNSURE OF NEXT MOVE
Perhaps, the worst part about this new crisis is the government is unsure how to handle it. A New York state government aide, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "Usually we're more prepared for a dip in the economy. However, we've always expected the graduates from our top schools to be the most successful and pay off their debts quickly. We really don't have a plan for any of these kids. I am just grateful to have my job."

Gregory Smith and others much like him do not know what they will do next or if they will ever be able to use their college degrees in the real world. Sometimes, Gregory says he is saddened by the lack of opportunity, but says he has to keep his head held high.

"I heard the government was looking for recent college grads to take the positions of top aides," Greg said. "I mean I'd do their job for a quarter of the pay."