It's July 2011 and Earth may have never been in a better place.
In the U.S., the government is reaching a debt ceiling, uneducated politicians continue to dispute global warming, and gay marriage has still only made headway in less than ten states. Around the world, China practically owns the U.S., the Middle East is in turmoil with riots and unwanted foreign invasions, people have forgotten about Africa for the time being (Darfur anyone?), Greece is in worse financial shape than the U.S. and England recently had to close down an 168-year-old newspaper because its "journalists" were hacking into people's private e-mails and voice mails.
Long story short - it's a solid time to be alive on Earth. Oh, and did I forget to mention every one's constant predictions about the end of the world? If it isn't in 2012, it has to be some other random date based on prophecy, asteroids, aliens, etc. Fabulous. Anyhow, while the current world leaders now are doing an amazing job of not completely eradicating human life, you need to look forward and learn from their leadership skills for the day when you will take over as a global leader yourself.
To help you in your growth as a worldwide leader, I've composed a short "how to be successful" guide. Study this and I guarantee success in no time.
1. Remember, no one's happiness is as important as your own. Greed is good. Ponzi schemes, insider trading and Internet scams are all part of a healthy economy and your own healthy bank account.
2. Privacy is highly overrated. If you need to go above and beyond to present the public with the most intimate details of a victim's life - you do so. You may go down in flames (Rupert Murdoch), but at least you'll always go down in the history books.
3. Learn Chinese. Dear god, learn Chinese. In fact, there isn't a god - just a Buddha.
4. We will never run out of oil. So drill, baby, drill.
5. Global warming may or may not be a farce. But the people with the most power think it isn't true, so you might as well too.
6. Having an affair when in office is best when you either are known as a man-whore (Arnold), play a really smooth instrument (Clinton), or have the type of last name that makes it OK to be sending pictures of your Weiner to girls over Twitter.
7. Budgets don't really exist. You can spend more than what you have. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? What's a financial crisis anyhow?
8. Fun fact: If you're a real Christian, you must know that being gay is curable. Yes, apparently now it is a disease. Wash those hands, kids.
9. If your only object in life is to be famous and rich, forget politics and just get naked on MTV and drink Jager Bombs like water. The sluttiest men/women will find you irresistible. What more could a guy/girl ask for?
10. However, if you want to be famous, rich and influential just start a religious cult with a t.v. show and radio station. Do not feel guilt when people give you all of their life savings. It's not your fault that your were blessed with this miraculous gift (and an eight-ball in the shape of a pink Jesus - thanks Urban Outfitters).
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